February 7, 2010
Remember that overly paranoid thing I mentioned a couple of posts ago? The part about how I was worried about losing my job? Well it happened. Guess I wasn’t being overly paranoid after all.
On Saturday I picked my daughter up from work. She happens to work as a cashier at the same place I was catering manager. While I was there my boss told me she wanted to talk to me. She said that starting Monday I was being demoted to associate. The same position I had when I was hired back in April. The same position my 17 year old daughter currently has. She said that the girl who interviewed for my job, the same girl I saw training at another store a few days after her interview, that girl was starting Monday as the new catering manager. Since I had interviewed for another job they knew I wasn’t committed to the catering job, and they wanted to put someone in the position who was going to stick around for a while. The funny part is the girl they hired for the job has worked for our company three times. She’s quit and returned twice. I guess she plans to stay this time.
I must admit that I was upset at first. I certainly didn’t deserve to be demoted. I have busted my ass for this company. I’ve gone above and beyond for them time and time again. I do understand their position. I understand the need for a committed person in the job. What bothered me was the way they went about the whole thing. I hadn’t even had my interview when she came in to interview for my job. My boss led me to believe that I wasn’t going to lose my job just because I had an interview somewhere else. I told her that if I got the teaching job I would give her two week’s notice before I left. It was the right thing to do. And while I was ready to do the right thing they trained the new girl in another store for a week then gave her my position instead of bringing her in to train with me. A week and a half after I was honest with them about having an interview I was demoted.
My boss told me that she would appreciate it if I would help the new girl this week. Go with her on the deliveries to introduce her to the customers. Help make the transition a smooth one. I honestly couldn’t believe she was asking me to do that as an associate. That’s what I should have done during her training. She should have gone with me.
I will go with her. I will be kind and gracious. I will continue to work hard. Because that’s the kind of person I am. And if I am offered the teaching position I will take it. And I will start as soon as they need me. The one thing I’m not going to worry about doing is giving them two weeks’ notice. They gave me 41 hours’ notice that I was demoted. If I hadn’t gone in on Saturday I wouldn’t have gotten that much.
Tomorrow should be fun. I’m actually looking forward to it in a strange sort of way. I won’t say a negative word about anyone I can assure you, but watching the reactions of others will amuse me.
February 5, 2010
Before I moved back to the states I wrote a post on my former blog about the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. I thought I would share that here since it’s just about to be Rodeo season. I love the rodeo!
April 2008 –
Something I am looking forward to when I get back to the states is the rodeo. I haven’t been in years, and I can hardly stand it. Every time we have gone back to the states for a visit we’ve not been there during rodeo season. We even lived there for 7 months, but left a month and a half before the rodeo started. And yes…rodeo is a season in Houston. There’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, then rodeo. The next big thing after Christmas is The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, and it is a major production. I just missed it when I was home for my grandmother’s sickness and funeral. I plan to be a full participant next year. March 3-22, 2009. I will be there.
Oh yeah…and I want a truck.
And some boots.
But I don’t have to have them to attend the rodeo. Well, the boots would be nice, but a truck isn’t mandatory.
I did get to attend the rodeo that year. I had a hard time finding someone to go with me, and had all but given up on getting to go. My sister saved the day with free tickets. After seeing it again I convinced Ross to go one more time just to give the kids the rodeo experience.
Ah…the sights, the sounds, the smells. What can I say? I may have been born in Louisiana, but I got to Texas as fast as I could!
(Of course spending summers at my grandpa’s farm in Arkansas had a huge impact on my loving farm animals as well.)
(I actually didn’t have anything to do with moving to Texas. I was only 10 when my dad was transferred here. I was just along for the ride. They made me come!)
(I also have fond memories of Mardi Gras in New Orleans. I’m craving King Cake just thinking about it.)
(And then there’s Turkey. Cay and baklava for everyone!)
(You can’t put me in a box!)
February 5, 2010
Today I am at the house. The house I moved out of in October. One of the kids is sick, and I decided to stay here with him today.
Can I just say that this place is disgusting! Seriously. I honestly don’t see how they can stand it. I know Ross works all day and the kids have school, but still…it’s not that hard to do some of the stuff that isn’t getting done. I practically filled up a tall kitchen garbage bag with junk mail and empty food boxes from the pantry. How hard is it to throw away the poptart box when you get the last package of poptarts out of it? There were cups and glasses scattered around the house as well. Sticky spills on the counter and table, throw pillows thrown on the floor, dirty socks in almost every room, bathrooms that don’t look like they’ve been cleaned in ages, and more.
Most days I go to the house in the morning to see the kids before work and school. I usually take my youngest to daycare on my way to work. After work I go back to the house. I spend time with the kids, fix dinner, run any errands they might need, and then go to my apartment in the evening. Many times a kid or two come with me to spend the night. I’m still not making them come over or stay at my house. I have room for everyone to sleep there now, and they have all stayed the night quite a bit. I don’t want to force them to sleep in beds that really aren’t theirs yet. The apartment doesn’t feel like home to them, and for now I am ok with that. I knew that the transition would be hard so me spending time with them in the house is my way of still being home with them in the afternoons.
On Monday I didn’t do much in the way of picking up when I was at the house. I made dinner, watched tv with the kids, and just hung out. I decided to leave a little earlier than usual because I wanted to get some laundry done. I didn’t even go upstairs until I was just about ready to head back to my apartment. You should have seen the pile of clean laundry on the floor in the loft! It was overwhelming! I decided that I would do laundry at the house the next day. On Tuesday the kids and I spent quite a bit of time folding the clean clothes. I also sorted the dirty clothes and managed to get 2 loads washed before I headed home. On Wednesday I washed the last of the laundry. When it was time for me to go there was a load in the drier and one in the washer. I reminded them to finish it up for me when they got home. Thursday I ended up going out after work so I never made it to the house. Two of the kids were going to my sister’s for the afternoon/evening so I figured it was a good day to be out. This morning I get to the house and find one of those loads on the floor in the loft and the other still in the dryer. At least they were both dry. I don’t even think that would have gotten done if there hadn’t been puke clothes that needed washing last night.
Sometimes I pick up and clean when I am at the house and sometimes I don’t. The kids all have chores that they are responsible for every day. The boys are good about doing theirs most days, but the girls have to be reminded. Part of me feels guilty that I’m not making sure that things are clean and neat all the time. I just get aggravated that things don’t stay neat after I pick them up. I understand that there will always be dirty laundry, and dirty dishes, and spills to wipe up. Bathrooms will need cleaning again, trash will have to be gathered and taken out, and dust will accumulate in places I just dusted. That type of cleaning is ok. I don’t mind doing it most of the time. I also understand that from time to time there will be clutter to deal with. I don’t have a problem with that. It’s the consistent disregard for the clutter and dirt that drives me crazy. It’s the lack of care that everyone else seems to have about the condition of this house.
And before I go I must admit something. Before I left I got lazy when it came to picking things up. So much else was overwhelming that chores definitely took a back seat. But even in my laziness I never let the house get this gross. Never.
Confession…I wrote this post over most of the morning. I had a hard time concentrating on what I was saying. Why you ask…well I kept getting up and cleaning stuff. The sad part is you can barely tell I’ve done anything. Sigh.
February 4, 2010
The reason my boss asked me if I was giving my two weeks’ notice is because she’s lost several long term employees to higher paying jobs lately. A very reliable morning opener who had been with the company for 5 years had recently gone on to a better job. She was already beginning to stress over losing some good people when a girl who had been with the company for 2 years gave her notice that morning so I think she was worrying a bit. When she heard me say I needed to talk to her about something her mind automatically went there. She really didn’t think that I wanted to give notice, but I opened my big mouth and told her about my interview.
Since that day I have talked to her, and I think she’s ok. She says that she doesn’t think I’ve given notice and that as far as she’s concerned I’m not going anywhere. That being said the girl who came in to interview for my position is currently being trained at another store. From what I understand she’s just training for management not catering, but I’m not sure what I think about that. It did make me a little nervous.
And finally…I got a call from the school I interviewed with. They want me to come out and observe one day next week. I was somewhat surprised to tell you the truth. I knew my interview went well, but I just assumed there were better qualified applicants for the job. There may be. They may be observing one day as well. We’ll see. I am reservedly excited if that makes any sense at all.
Edited to add…
This morning I ended up needing to stay home to take care of a sick kid. 103 temperature, throwing up with diarrhea kind of sick. I called my boss who was quite pleasant. Like she didn’t care that I wasn’t coming in. Totally not the reaction I would normally get. Either I am being overly paranoid or I desperately need a teaching job and fast!
February 1, 2010
Last week I applied for a teaching job. It was a rather unexpected event to tell you the truth. I knew that I might need to move back into teaching in the fall. I knew that I would need more money to support myself. I decided to check into some job fairs that many school districts have in the spring. When I looked at one of the area school district’s website I noticed that they had an opening for a kindergarten position. I debated applying but decided that it wouldn’t hurt to send in my application. That was done last Sunday. Monday afternoon I got a call about an interview for later in the week. I wasn’t sure what to think. I wasn’t sure what to tell my current employer. I decided not to say anything because the chance of me actually getting the job was pretty slim, and I certainly didn’t need to cause my employer to stress out. On Wednesday my boss made some comment about me turning in my 2 weeks notice. I wasn’t sure if one of the two people I had confided in had mentioned my interview to her or not. I explained what was going on, and she freaked. She was totally joking when she said what she said about me giving her two weeks notice. I told her that I wasn’t really looking…that I just had the one interview. That in the fall I would probably need to do something that offered more benefits. I think she would have handled it okay, but the district manager happened to visit. She didn’t handle it well at all. She kept telling me that I could make the same amount that the teaching job offered at my current job. She is right. I could make the same amount. The difference is that word…could. Teaching I will make that amount. I will have a number of sick days. I will automatically have vacation days for Spring Break, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. There will be retirement benefits as well. I don’t have any of those things where I currently work. If I want to take a vacation I won’t get paid. If I am sick or one of my kids is sick and I miss work…no money. I do have insurance but no retirement. I love my job. I really do, but I know that I won’t be able to support myself on it for long. I can’t continue to live paycheck to paycheck. I have to be saving some money. On Friday I had to leave work early. About 15 minutes before I left a girl showed up to interview for my position. I couldn’t believe it. It really stressed me out! I didn’t have a chance to talk to my boss about it then, and she is on vacation until tomorrow. I have no idea what will happen. I don’t think they will do anything crazy, but at this point I’m not sure. I won’t be fired. I know that much for sure. I just don’t want to be demoted. Even if they keep me at the same pay scale I will lose my insurance. I won’t have the extra money that comes with my job. I need every bit of what I make.
As far as the teaching job goes…I interviewed. I felt like it went well. I know for a fact that at least one other person interviewed for the job. We passed in the parking lot. On the interview table I saw 3 folders similar to the one they put my information in. So I am guessing that there were 4 of us interviewing that day. After the interview I asked the principal when she was going to make a decision. She said it would be a couple of weeks. That tells me that more people will probably be interviewing. I have no idea what my chances are. I haven’t had a teaching job in 15 years. I thought the interview went well. I don’t know Spanish which would be an asset. I’ve lived overseas and experienced different cultures which seemed to impress the panel. I have absolutely no idea which way this will go. I really wouldn’t care so much about not getting the job if I hadn’t said anything to my boss. As it stands now I am going to be a little stressed until I talk to her. Hopefully that will be tomorrow. Hopefully after talking to her I will feel better and not worse!
January 20, 2010
In my last post I mentioned my sister. I decided that it was only fair to her to give you her reasons for the choice she made. It wasn’t an easy decision. It wasn’t a decision based on her feelings about me. She wasn’t disgusted with the thought of me being with another woman. Her decision was based solely on what she, as a christian, felt like the Bible was instructing her to do. Here is the passage she used to explain it to me.
1 Corinthians 5:9-13
9 When I wrote to you before, I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin. 10 But I wasn’t talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, or are greedy, or cheat people, or worship idols. You would have to leave this world to avoid people like that. 11 I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer[j] yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.
12 It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. 13 God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, “You must remove the evil person from among you.”
Being gay is a sexual sin according to the Bible. I am a believer. I truly believe that my sister would put a drunkard or a abusive person in the same category as a homosexual. She doesn’t consider the sin more offensive. What is offensive to her is the fact that I’ve heard the truth of the Bible. I’ve believed that truth. I’ve even gone out and told others about it. And now I am willingly choosing to go against what I’ve known to be true.
I don’t want people to think that my sister is a mean and hateful person. She isn’t at all. She has convictions. She lives by them. I also don’t want to hear the age old argument about the Bible mentioning foods you are supposed to avoid or stoning people for their sins. I absolutely hate when people use these Old Testament passages to try to plead their case. I don’t feel like getting into a theological argument…just know that I’ve heard it all before. Those arguments don’t hold water when used alongside the New Testament scriptures.
So I’m sure you wonder how I could choose this. And I did choose. When I made the choice to act on the feelings I was having all those many months ago something happened in me. It counted. It mattered. It was as natural as breathing to me. Despite all that I came away from that experience in a fog. As the fog lifted I knew that I couldn’t go back. I made my choice. I am going forward. And while I cannot reconcile my decision and my faith I still believe. I have to. I’ve experienced both. And to deny either one is impossible for me.
January 14, 2010
Look it’s a post! Two in one week. Crazy!
1. Thanks.
I just wanted to thank all those who read here and commented or emailed. You guys are great! The funny thing about all of it is that I know I have friends. People have called, emailed, shown up at work, and left messages wherever they could to tell me they love me. I wasn’t complaining that nobody liked me. I just needed to step back from my social life some as I tried to figure out what I need. I need those friends. I need that social life. I just needed a break from all of it. After countless messages on facebook I finally posted a status update thanking everyone for being so great and letting them know I would be back. There are a few of those friends who I have no doubt will love me no matter what. Some of the others may have issues with my sexuality. I can understand if they do. Some of them may choose to admonish me over it all. Some may just write me off all together. It’s those last two that I’m not quite ready for. I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle a severe tongue lashing over my choice. I already had one from my sister. I handled it ok, but I’m not ready to have a line of people doing the same thing. I also know that there are new friends to be made. I can’t wait!
2. Christmas.
My parents debated how to handle our family Christmas celebration this year. My sister doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and has informed the family that she will not attend any event where I am invited. This posed a problem at Christmas as you can imagine. Normally my whole family gathers at my parent’s house on Christmas eve. We get together to share a meal and open presents that night. Later we all retreat to our own homes and have Santa and stockings the next morning. This year they decided to have the normal Christmas celebration sans me. I was fully supportive of this. I certainly didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. My kids attended with their dad. I also encouraged this. I didn’t want them to miss out on the fun. I will confess to a few tears over it, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
Before anyone says anything negative about it all I have to say my parents are wonderful. They didn’t want me to miss out on Christmas so they decided that on Christmas day they would have a meal as well. This one was for me. Both of my brothers and their families were invited as well. I wasn’t sure if they would come since I hadn’t seen one of them since I came out. I didn’t know how he would react. When I arrived at the house my mom gave me a hug and started to cry. Of course that made me tear up as well. Then both brothers came. It was so nice to have that family time. I know my sister was missing. At one point we were joking at dinner, and I mentioned my sister. I was telling a story about something we had done when we were younger. I think it surprised my brothers that I could talk about her and be ok. I don’t like that she won’t see me, but I don’t hate her. I will always be available if she wants me in her life again. Always.
Ok…that’s it.
January 10, 2010
I heard a song this week that made me think. Tim McGraw’s song Southern Voice has the line, “Come on in. I’m sure glad to know ya.” in it. For some reason I really heard that line. My grandmother used to say that. I like it. When compared to, “It’s nice to meet you.” it sounds warmer. Friendlier. More intimate. I guess it wouldn’t be an appropriate thing to say to everyone you meet for the first time, but I think there are times when those words might be exactly what someone needs to hear. They communicate a willingness to get to know someone.
I think we all have a desire to be known and loved. Sometimes that desire is buried deep. We’ve been known and hurt by those close to us so we hide ourselves from people. We try to protect ourselves by not letting people see us. We are scarred and scared. Every time we open up to someone we are putting ourselves at risk of being hurt again. And we will be hurt again. People are people. They will do stuff that hurts us. Some of it will be intentional. Most of it won’t be. It’s the knowing when to trust someone and when to let them go that’s hard for me. I tend to be an open book. If you ask something I will tell you. I don’t have a problem letting myself be known for the most part. Sure there are some things that I am tight-lipped about, but mostly I don’t mind letting people get to know me.
Since leaving my husband and filing for divorce I’ve put almost all the people who really know me aside. I don’t plan to never talk to them again, but I’m not ready to hear what some of them might say. It feels strange…this lack of friends.
I do have Fleur de lis. And thank goodness I have her. She’s been amazing during it all. And oh so very patient with me. Thank goodness.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. It’s just stuff that I’ve been thinking. And for some reason there are tears in my eyes over it all. And just in case you were wondering this post isn’t about anyone in particular. It wasn’t because of any event. I just heard a song that made me think.
December 26, 2009
“…But it gradually seemed to me that I’d made myself believe something that wasn’t true. I’d made myself believe that I was fine and happy and fulfilled on my own without the love of anyone else. Being in love was like China: you knew it was there, and no doubt it was very interesting, and some people went there, but I never would. I’d spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn’t matter, because there was all the rest of the world to visit… And I thought: am I really going to spend the rest of my life without feeling that again? I thought: I want to go to China. It’s full of treasures and strangeness and mysteries and joy.
~Phillip Pullman
December 23, 2009
Gosh darn it I want to blog. I don’t feel like there is time enough to do all that I need to do as it is. Blogging has definitely taken a back seat these past couple of months. I hate that. This weekend I had time to blog. I just didn’t have the strength. I had a lingering cough from my last illness that developed into a cold on Thursday. By Saturday night I had a full-fledged sinus infection. Everything from my teeth up hurt like hell. I don’t know that I had ever had one that bad before. I slept/suffered all day on Sunday. I called work on Sunday night and told them that I couldn’t come in on Monday…that I had to go to the doctor. I hated to miss a day of work, because if I miss work I don’t get paid. I knew there was no way I could make it at work though. By the time my appointment rolled around at 3 in the afternoon I thought I was dying. A shot and three prescriptions later I headed home to do more sleeping. When I woke up on Tuesday I felt like a new person. Still coughing and still stopped up some, but the pain was gone. I went to work. I came home. I figured after a mostly full day of work I would be exhausted. Oh no. I was wide awake. I guess sleeping for 2 straight days does that to a person. So this morning after about 4 hours of sleep I went back to work. I came home and spent about 3 hours with my Fleur de lis. I won’t be able to see her for the next few days because our schedules are both so crazy. I hate that. (We plan to do some Christmas celebrating next week. You know…New Year’s style!) After she left I braved the traffic and the stores to finish up my Christmas shopping. I came home. And my head tells me I should be tired, but I’m not. At this point I will get 6 hours of sleep before I once again have to be up for work. Yep…working on Christmas Eve. I’m beginning to think a teaching job is in my future. I might as well use that degree I earned. At least I’ll have a few paid sick days AND a break at Christmas.
Yeah…a boring blog post. Did you miss me?
Here…let me make it up to you. This should make you smile!
I totally need to have another baby so I can buy one of these. I giggle every time I see this picture.
