I’m going to bed tonight with a thankful heart. Why am I thankful? Many reasons.
Today Sweet Tea and I went to the zoo and just enjoyed each others’ company.
This evening I picked up my youngest from a nephew’s party where I saw my mom for the first time since September. She hugged me.
Tonight I made microwavable chocolate cake. It wasn’t half bad.
My day lilies are about to bloom.
Tomorrow isn’t Monday.
Did I mention that my mom hugged me?
I can’t wait for school to be out for the summer. I am seriously tired! I know….I’m always tired, but this is different. This is crazy! First of all the kids are insane. They know that school is almost out and they are done with all the major testing so nothing really counts anymore. This is the only year that it will be this way. The state has adopted new standardized tests and this year was a trial run. The scores don’t really count. We won’t know if the kids passed or failed these tests until the fall. Next year the kids will take the tests in March, receive the scores by mid-April, and, if necessary, retest in May. This year they tested in March and April. And so they were finished. Everyday I hear sighs and complaints when I give them their assignments. I’ve tried to be creative and give them fun stuff, interesting stuff, different stuff, but they are done and don’t seem to care about much. Because they are done, they are getting in trouble a lot. Constant talking, playing, goofing off. We’ve had some incidents of bullying, and today one student wrote a sexual comment complete with picture about my teaching partner in the boys bathroom. Next week is our 5th grade graduation, UIL competition, and Field Day. The week will basically be one crazy, long week of crowd control. Now it’s my turn to sigh and complain. Only 8 1/2 more days. Sigh.
Sweet Tea is a great driver, but she has no idea where she is going most of the time. She’s only lived in this large city for a couple of years, and she has lived in three different parts of the city during that time period so it’s understandable that she might get lost now and then. When she first moved here she bought a GPS and named her Karen. Karen was a great navigator. Anywhere Sweet Tea wanted to go Karen could get her there. She might take her the long way, but eventually she arrived at her destination. When Sweet Tea and I started dating I competed with Karen for navigational duties. Most of the time it was because I knew a quicker way than Karen planned to take us. I knew which roads to avoid and where the shortcuts were. But there was a big problem with my taking over the navigation duties. I don’t multi-task well so I would get involved in the conversation and forget to tell Sweet Tea where to turn. I did usually know where to go, but I would forget to speak up soon enough to get there.
Sweet Tea also has another issue with navigation. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve directed her to a place she still needs me to show her the way most of the time. I understand this. When Karen navigated she just followed her directions. She didn’t pay attention to landmarks or street names. When I gave directions it was the same way. She just did what I said without question. Most of the time it isn’t a big deal. I am there to guide her. It only becomes an issue when she needs to get someplace we’ve been numerous times before, and I’m not going with her.
The funny thing about all of this is that in my past life I sucked at navigation. I could read a map and get where I needed to go for sure. The thing was that so many times someone else was doing the driving and they knew exactly where they were going. I was just along for the ride. I lived in the same city in Turkey for almost 7 years and still never completely learned my way around. There were certain places that I could get to with my eyes closed, but there were many others that, despite the fact that I had been to them over and over, I couldn’t have found my way to them on my own if my life depended on it.
I’ll never forget when a new friend moved to our city. I had already lived there for a year and a half and had taken a bus downtown numerous times. The problem was that once I got off the bus I wasn’t very adventurous. I was scared to walk too far away from the bus terminal. This friend and I started exploring the city on foot together. She worked at a radio station part-time and on several occasions I went with her to take care of some work related stuff. The station was located in an apartment building about a 10 minute walk from where we got off the bus. I don’t recall how many times I had been to her office before the day came when she asked me to meet her there. I had no idea where to go. All the times we had been there together I just followed her. I never paid any attention to the landmarks we passed. I never paid any attention to the outside of the apartment building. That day I got off the bus and realized I had no idea which direction to turn. I was lost. I had to call her and have her guide me. After listening to her tell me which way to go and where to turn I had no problems finding the station. I looked at landmarks and buildings along the way and made sure to memorize my turns. I was found.
I think my life was like that. For so long I was just along for the ride. I was a follower. I didn’t pay attention to how to get anywhere. One day I woke up and realized I had no idea how I had gotten where I was. I was lost, and I was alone. Since that day I have studied maps, listened to directions, paid attention to landmarks and have slowly but surely found my way.
When I first started writing this post I thought it was going to be a funny account of how Sweet Tea depends on me to get her where she needs to go even though I often fail miserably at that job. It never got funny and then it morphed into something completely different. Hm…
I don’t remember what triggered the thoughts exactly, but it wasn’t the first time I’ve thought them. Life is good. Mostly. I’m ready for school to be out, the house to be done, and it’s way too busy around here, but things are going well. So when these thoughts show up it isn’t out of unhappiness or discontentment at all. They just appear. And I ponder the question.
The question is always in reference to being gay. If I could go back to a time when I was faced with gay choose, would I choose differently? My issue is that I wouldn’t know where to rewind to exactly. Once the divorce papers had been signed and the ball had seemingly rolled beyond the point of no return I had two very real opportunities to “change my mind” about all of it, once in 2010 and again in 2011, and even though I knew that the choice to be gay would alienate me from my family I couldn’t choose otherwise. But what if I could rewind to a time before that? Would it be easier to make a different choice?
My first thought is to rewind back to 2008 when I had my first real experience with another woman. Could I choose differently knowing that by choosing her in those moments I would end up leaving my job, my husband, and ultimately lose almost every other relationship in my life at that time? Sounds like it would be easy to say I would choose differently, but it isn’t. I think that even if I had chosen to say no in those moments it would have only been a matter of time before I chose to say yes to a woman.
Maybe I need to rewind a little further back.
2007 when I was tempted and said no, but then committed emotionally which led to saying yes in 2008.
2003-2004 when I felt the stirrings for the first time in a long time.
1986 when I first felt them.
And so many little moments in between.
I said no so many times over the years that I finally couldn’t say no anymore. So even if I could choose differently I think I would have eventually landed in the same place. Saying yes and taking life as it hit me.
Here’s Ellen Degeneres telling you how it is.
And while I can’t completely understand the initial celebratory feelings after announcing to the world I’m gay I do relate to the craziness afterwards.
I look forward to life. I have a great partner, great kids, and a great church family. My own family may not be what I want it to be, but we do keep in touch and they do love me. That’s enough for now.
Just after we moved into the new house we got a kitten. Sweet Tea brought a cat and a dog to the relationship, but I had been wanting to get a kitten ever since I moved to my apartment. I just wasn’t willing to pay the pet deposits that came with kitten ownership at the apartment so I waited. Once we had our own home the kitten was the next logical step. As luck would have it a teacher at my school was advertising free kittens. Some of the kittens were Hemingway cats, meaning they had extra toes. When I heard that I knew I had to have one. I figured a cat with extra toes would fit in perfectly with our slightly dysfunctional family. Six toes on each front foot where there should only be five and five on each back foot where there should only be four. 
I promise there’s another toe on the side of her foot.
Welcome to the family, Thumbelina.
Go ahead and take a little nap. Growing all those extra toes is hard work!
Like many people I struggle with time management/balancing work and home life/getting it all done. Most of the time the balls I drop in my juggling act are more home life related. I guess it makes sense. Nobody is going evaluate me on the cleanliness of my sheets nor will I be fired for the large pile of books sitting on the bedroom floor. My lack of blogging and nonexistent knowledge of current TV events won’t have an adverse affect on my paycheck. It’s a good thing, because I don’t have time to do much blogging or TV watching these days. My discretionary time is quite limited so when there is any downtime I’ll be paying bills, doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. I need to file an ever growing stack of papers on my desk, help hang pictures on the stairway, vacuum the stairs, make a grocery store run, and countless other chores.
We’ve lived in our new house since the beginning of March. It’s been a month and a half, and I think all of the boxes are finally out of the house. There is at least one more in the garage that I need to deal with, but since it’s all stuff from the china cabinet at my wasbands and since I don’t really have a place to put those things right now I’m thinking that a box in the garage sounds like a good spot for them.
The other day Sweet Tea was talking about how she’s alone most of the day as she searches for jobs and takes care of things around the house. When I get home from work she is ready to run some errands together. I, on the other hand, have been with lots of people all day and am ready for a quiet time at the house. We both know there has to be balance. Some evenings we run errands and some evenings we stay home.
I guess all of life is about balance. Finding time to get it all done. Shuffling things around to make time if none can be found.
It’s also about priorities. Getting the house livable is a priority. Keeping it clean is a priority. Finishing the backyard is a priority. Lately though these priorities have robbed us of each other. Usually I get in bed to read while Sweet Tea finishes watching a recorded TV program. I can only read a couple of pages before my eyes can’t handle staying open. When Sweet Tea comes to bed we are both beyond exhausted. The busyness of our day has caught up to us, knocked us down, and sleep is all there is. I miss snuggle time. I miss the slow and easy evenings.
It’s morning and Sweet Tea has just come back into the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, sighed and said, “I’m tired.” Now it’s time for both of us to be up and running again. These are the days of our lives.
So I’ve been busy. And stressed. And tired. And did I mention busy? Pretty much doing everything but blogging around these parts. We bought a house and moved since I last blogged. When I last blogged we hadn’t even started looking at houses. I’ve been doing everything I can do to try to prep my students for the achievement tests they have to take on Wednesday. And that’s pretty much been my life. Forgive me for not blogging, but I can’t imagine the drivel I would have produced in the mental state I’ve been in. I promise it would have bored you to tears.
I know many of you are reading Sweet Tea’s blog as well. Thankfully she’s been a much better historian these past few months.
I did want to comment on the whole debacle with my family. Sweet Tea is right. I will defend them to the bitter end. I know them well. I know their hearts. She sees me hurt by not being included and gets angry. She cannot understand their lack of communication or why they would continue to invite my wasband to family functions. It makes no sense to her. I, on the other hand, completely understand. I know they see my being gay as a complete about face from my life before. They see the sister and daughter who for 38 years was committed to family and God and don’t know what to do with the whole gay thing. It is almost incomprehensible that I could be gay and committed to family and God in the same way I was before. I get that. I struggled with how I could possibly be gay and a Christian for years. It was what kept me from making a decision for myself for so long. It was not something that was possible in the Christian life I was brought up in. But I know now it is possible. To deny either one is almost repulsive to me. I am both. But because they haven’t had that personal experience they can’t possibly understand. I get it. It was hard for me and I lived it. So I am okay with them not being okay with it. I understand. I also know that they aren’t self righteous and condemning. They do not think they are better than me. They are hurt. They don’t know what to do. So they are polite and cordial when they see me. They are friendly when we happen to cross paths, but they don’t go out of their way most days to connect. Again, I’m okay with that. The look of disappointment and hurt in their faces is almost more than I can take. I can’t go back to what I was. I can’t go back to who they were comfortable with. I don’t want to. I do want relationships with them, but I will take it in whatever way makes them most comfortable. If that’s occasional texts and phone calls I will treasure those. Maybe most people won’t understand that or agree with how things are being handled. But it is what it is and since I’m okay with it that’s all that matters really.
I’ve been reading the Wizard of Oz books lately. I discovered them when I was a library aide in the 8th grade and devoured them. Most people don’t realize that L. Frank Baum, the author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, actually wrote 14 books about Oz. I was telling our school librarian about them, and she had no idea. I decided to look to see if they had them for the Kindle and got the entire series for $1.99. I couldn’t believe it! So now I’m lost in Oz with Dorothy, Ozma, the Scarecrow, Jack Pumpkinhead, TikTok and all sorts of fun characters. It’s been nice to read something easy and fun after all the crazy around here.
And now I’m sleepy. Sigh.
